When Your World Shifts Here are 5 Things to Help You Adapt and Begin to Feel at Ease and Content.
Despite planning my own major life change for nearly a year before moving to Guatemala, the transition proved to still be very painful, uncomfortable, and difficult. I'll be honest I hadn't expected that since I had always dreamed of moving out of the country and about being married, and again it wasn't a quick decision, but alas I had found myself crying on the bathroom floor of my new apartment more than just a few times. Now ten years later I can attest to the fact that God has brought me to a place of familiarity, comfort, ease, and even contentment with only a few cry sessions becaue I'm still a human female of course. But it was a process and I had to dig in and do some work, even if God was leading me through it. Here are five tips that helped me move from a place of fear and doubt to a place of contentment and familiarity after you've made a major life move.
Say Yes
There is only one way to get to know a new place and meet new friends. Say yes! Say yes to all the things you have the energy to do. Here are some ideas:
Night out with school parents
Playdate and even go a step further and arrange the playdate yourself
Head to the park with your kids and say hi to the parent of the child that your own is now effortlessly playing with (if only adult relationships could be so easy...or maybe they can be?)
A new church service or Bible study
Mom's group - I bet that new church has one
The upcoming women's conference
Running club, exercise class, or (fill in the blank) club if physical exertion is not really your thing
The class birthday party
Dinner date with your partners friends or co-workers
Coffee invite from a fellow mom, and again even take the initiative to ask them. I bet they'll be happy to say yes and secretly longing to connect with you too
Baby gym class (true story, I met one of my closest friends through a baby class. Our kids aren't close anymore but she and I have been able to continue our friendship)
It is only because I said yes to the kind wives of my husband's friend to go to lunch the first few weeks I lived here, or by trying out a new church and saying yes to playing piano in that same service that I began to find my place and people in Guatemala. I now make sure to give other new expats opportunities to say yes to a coffee/playdate. I've rarely been turned down.
But even years later I still have to push myself to say yes. True confession, I feel ever so intimidated by the mom's of our children's school as latinas are showing up well dressed and put together (even if their lives are a mess, that will rarely show), and as being one of the few gringas in town I can feel frumpy, misunderstood, and often alone. I have pushed myself to show up to the mom's night out for dinner, or to the class party in which I hope the one or two mom's I do know are there and have space at their table for me. It is scary and uncomfortable but in the end it always pays off as I meet others who are in the same stage of life as me and the mom's begin to really know me and we can all recognize that I may not be from here but we're all experiencing the same lows and highs of parenting our children.
We understand that we are known by God, but it's so good when others around us do too, but they can only know about about if you show up! Go and enjoy!
Stay Connected With Those Who Know You Best
Although I just stated you need to get out there and mingle, you also need to stay grounded by talking often with those who know you best: your parents, best friends, partners, grandparents, etc. When your heart is feeling isolated and as if you are floating out in the universe alone, you need your people to whom you do not owe any explanation. It's fun getting to know new people and begin building your village, but it can be exhausing to have to tell your story over and over again. Even if you can't physically be in your old home or your previous situation, the people who already understand your heart provide you with a sense of home. As the ever popular saying says, "home is where the heart is". Let them remind you of home and encourage you to keep pushing forward.
Take a Break
Like I mentioned above, getting to know new people and places can be phyisically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting, especially if it's all done in a different language than your native tongue. If that's true for you, then even the grocery store can drain you. Recognize when your social battery is low and take a break. Don't be afraid to say YES to various events and invitations, but don't do so at the expense of your mental and emotional health.
This is permission to take the nap, watch a binge-worthy show, read a book in bed, take time to make a slow coffee, eat your favorite meal, and stay in with your family. This break will give you that extra umph you need to dive into the next event or activity.
Be Kind to Yourself (and to Others)
It is easy to get frustrated with ourselves, and often times with others. We can get so overwhelmed with the changes in our lives, and not feeling like oursevles that we take it out on ourselves and those closest to us (my poor husband and children...). When you feel maxed out, take that break I mentioned and use it to do something that helps you feel more like you. Sometimes that means I take myself shopping.
I also encourage you to start journaling. I utilize three journals regularly that help me process and really unravel my emotions. I have your traditional journal that I write in long form from time to time most often when I feel confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I then also have a daily journal to record the days activities or feelings in just a sentence or two. Lastly I have a gratitude journal that I write in at least three things I am grateful for every day. My gratitude journal has been a game-changer in how I view my days and life as I tend to hold a more pessimistic perspective of events. To regularly express my gratitude helps me see that I am truly blessed, even when the day was crummy, and to notice them in the moment not just at the end of my day.
Remember, this is just a season. You will adapt and adjust and life will become easier. Nothing is forever (and this is one of those times that can be a good thing). You will one day be able to look back in your journals and see truly how far you've come and that those things that seemed like giant hurdles are a breeze now. This will provide you with a new confidence that you can do really hard things, and also a roadmap of how God has led you to where you are.
Draw Close to God
Saving the most obvious, but sometimes the hardest for last. But why is it so hard? Why is what and who we claim to hold us together and give us life so hard to turn to for comfort and guidance? I have a hunch it's probably because God is going to make you go the hard way as history has proven (look at the Israelites for goodness sake). I have often begged God to just change the situation (hello world pandemic) but that isn't the way God works, now is it? He knows that if He just made everything instantly easier and more comfortable we would never grow. We wouldn't have anything to write in our journals, or any need to pursue connection with others. We wouldn't have to put forth any of our own effort, and God is not our genie in a magic lamp going around granting our wishes.
However, just because God goes about teaching and guiding us the hard way, that doesn't mean He want's it to be defeating, disheartening, or angering. He wants to show us that we can rely on Him and He will help us because He doesn't just want us to grow personally but He want's us to grow in Him. I remember so clearly a few months after moving that I was ready to give in and give up. I had had enough as I watched the airplanes fly over the city almost certainly heading for my home country. My heart would almost physically hurt as I desperately longed to be on them, flying to the place of comfort and familiarity and where everyone spoke English. I asked God on my balcony to give me strength, because there was no way I was going to make it for the long-haul in this country if He didn't keep me together. From there on I experienced the steady climb of progress, ease, and understanding and in turn being understood. God still carries me today, but also reveals to me that He has made me capable.
He does that same thing for you, dear friend. Psalm 139 tells us that He goes with us and guides us. He doesn't just watch us go, but He has already prepared the way and is waiting for us to take His right hand and go wherever He takes us so that we may become more like Him and more of the person He created us to be.
Bonus - Learn the Language
I cannot express enough to my fellow expats to sign up for language classes as soon as you are able. I have witnessed many fellow expats living in Guatemala who barely know Spanish and I can attest that they do get by, but that is it, just getting by. They are not able to thrive as they are clinging to their own culture and people in a foreign place. I guarantee your life will improve if you know how to effectively communicate with the locals. And honestly, it's really cool to be able to speak more than one language; I feel like I have harnessed a super power as I've been able to open myself up to so many people. My Spanish is far from perfect, but I regularly get complimented out in the shops and restaurants on my Spanish and it feels great to one, know I can communicate, and two that they can see I am trying and succeeding to connect with them. I'm also not afraid to admit defeat either and because even when I stumble but have I've tried I am always offered help and a mini vocab lesson and there's no shame. Now don't hesitat and go out and learn your new super power.
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